Learn to handle difficult feelings by leaning in
Negative emotions are hard to avoid.
Disappointment, frustration, annoyance, loss, anger – all are a part of life and can sometimes overwhelm us. But research says avoiding negative emotions isn’t the path to greater psychological health. In fact, learning to accept all emotions without judgement can help you to work through those negative emotions more effectively.
An article recently published on Happify.com takes a look at four common emotions that people face daily and some ways to manage them. Read the excerpt below for helpful coping techniques:
Anger
“Anger is a front-line defense, there to protect you from uncomfortable feelings. But anger has been described as an iceberg, as there is typically a more accurate, descriptive emotion underneath the surface,” explains Natalie Bernstein, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist based in the Pittsburgh area.
In moments of anger, it’s helpful to look a little deeper to uncover what’s really upsetting you. Ask yourself: “What is this anger protecting me from? Is it hurt? Embarrassment? Rejection? Fear?”
Coping Technique: Find a Healthy Release
When you become angry, a series of events unfolds in your brain and body: Blood pressure may rise, testosterone may increase, cognitive processes may become impaired, and we enter fight-or-flight mode. Without the opportunity to release anger “we may end up with chronic muscle tension, headaches, or insomnia,” says Lauran Hahn, L.M.H.C., a Florida-based therapist.
But expending that angry energy doesn’t mean giving in to the urge to yell and rage. Instead, find a healthy release, like going for a run or trying a new kickboxing class. You could even yell into a pillow or squeeze a stress ball for a few minutes.
Keep in mind, though, that anger is a very important emotion in letting us know when boundaries have been violated. Once the initial surge of energy has been released, take time to reflect on what happened and determine whether you need to establish new boundaries in certain relationships or interactions, Hahn explains.
Apprehension
Worry can arise when we spend time living in the future, bringing our fears and uncertainty into the present day. “We crave security, and when we’re unsure of how a situation will resolve or how our lives will turn out, we can feel anxious,” Bernstein says. “It’s helpful to acknowledge and address anxiety in order for it to calm down.”
Coping Technique: Name Your Worry
During moments of tension, name your feeling and address it head-on. You may say aloud: “This is my anxiety speaking.” Then, express why it’s there: “It’s here because I have a presentation tomorrow for work, and I feel pressure to do well.” Offer yourself reassurance: “I’ve done many presentations before. I’m prepared. I can handle this.” You can even reflect on a past moment when you overcame a similar challenge—after all, if you got through it then, you can get through it now.
“Anxiety wants you to be a fortuneteller and predict how every situation will unfold, but most of us don’t have that ability,” Bernstein adds. “We have to learn to be okay with moments of uncertainty.”
Envy
“We live in a world of comparison, and we learn about ourselves by looking at others around us,” Bernstein explains. “When others seemingly have an ‘easier’ life or achieve successes, we feel resentful because the same isn’t true for us.”
But envy can lead to a vicious cycle. When we’re unable to summon genuine happiness at the news of a co-worker’s promotion or a friend’s new romance, it can lead to feelings of guilt, which only makes us feel worse. Instead of getting caught up in shame, explore envy further and shift the focus, Bernstein says.
Coping Technique: Focus on What You Do Have
It’s important to understand that your own personal insecurities can lead to feelings of envy, Hahn explains. In those difficult moments, she recommends offering kind and loving words to yourself to counter the negative voice in your head telling you that you aren’t or don’t have enough. You could try a positive mantra like “I know that I am loved” or “I know that I am wanted.”
Take your positive self-talk one step further by pinpointing the good things you already have in your life. Whether it’s big-picture items, like your health or your job, or simple pleasures, like that new espresso machine that makes your mornings a bit brighter, speak them aloud, write them down, or exchange daily gratitude texts with a friend or loved one.
Grief
Unlike other emotions that can be soothed or resolved over a brief period of time, coping with grief is a long and arduous process. What’s more, coming to terms with and overcoming grief is a highly individual experience that varies from person to person and can look different depending on your stage of life, relationship with the person you lost, and more.
“It takes a lot of time and energy to stay in both worlds of grief – the world where you can grieve and process your life, and the world where you have to return to ‘normalcy,’ back to work, and everyday living,” Bernstein says. “The grieving process may also invite lots of unwanted judgment from others – ‘How long has it been?’ – and self-criticism – ‘I should be over this by now,’” Bernstein explains.
Coping Technique: Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Since grief is a process, one of the best ways to handle it is by giving yourself permission to feel what you need to feel. Everyone processes grief at their own pace, and there isn’t a hard-and-fast timeline for how long it “should” take to heal from a loss. Give yourself grace and the space you need to feel and accept your emotions.
Journaling can also be a useful tool when coming to terms with grief. Writing down what you’re feeling can act as a mental cleanse and help you along your healing journey. If you decide to give grief journaling a try, an article from Harvard Health Publishing recommends starting with 15-30 minutes a day for three or four days. And remember, you’re writing for you – don’t worry about sentence structure or grammar – just be honest with your words.